Finally Alive, 2016

5/1/2016


I am finally alive.  I never knew how freeing it would be.  Sure, I've been breathing and living and walking and doing for many many years now.  But ALIVE?  No.

God........he never needed me to do anything but depend on Him.  All the things I thought I never wanted are exactly the things I needed all along.  All the things I thought I needed and tried to hard to attain have turned out to be things that likely would have stolen my life and soul.  Just LOOK at how far we've come, and only Jesus is to thank.  I can only praise the name of Jesus and testify to His goodness and mercy.  If He can save someone like me and bless my life in spite of myself, He can do all things for all people.

Today I type this as a different man from the one that was full of fresh realizations.  Today I type this as a man with years of experiences, shaping, seasoning, and blessing.  I have SEEN how good the Lord is, I have TASTED of His love and mercy, and I can tell you assuredly it IS good.  He IS who He says He is, and He DOES what He says He will do.



Friends - - - - do this:
Get your your Bible.  Start reading it.  FIND a church and get up and go EVERY WEEK.  Do this for a few months, and then email me here and tell me what changes you have seen and experienced in your life.  Allow me to hear your story and pray for and with you.


If you will call on the name of Jesus, invite Him into your heart and profess with your mouth and mind that He IS Lord and Savior, you WILL be saved.  You WILL begin to see His work in your life, and you WILL understand the joy I have have found.  Share it with me and celebrate with me in eternity!!!


All my love and hope,
~ Tony

Peace At Last in 2013.

I have been reading a book authored by Messianic Rabbi Kirt Schneider entitled "Awakening To Messiah".  As always in God-time, this book came not a moment too soon nor late.  I have been in the midst of a slow awakening and changing of my own.....being born again years ago, saved and AWARE of exactly what this means for the first time in life has been just critical in my development and in the place I find myself today, praise God.  However, I have still struggled with certain things.  While reading Rabbi Schneider's book a week ago, a simple and sudden revelation dawned on me that feels as if it has unlocked the next chapter of my life and I felt it urgent to share.  The fact that something so sensible had eluded me makes me wonder how many others have also missed this.  I have had an all-consuming desire my whole life that has been my focus, my drive, and my navigator.  Even after I was saved by the power of our Messiah, I still found myself longing and wondering why things weren't turning in the way I saw necessary for fulfillment.  I just KNEW that I KNEW that I KNEW that I was designed for a specific purpose and would stop at NOTHING until that plan had persevered and conquered all obstacles.  Well one day riding in the car with the concepts of Rabbi Schneider's book swirling in my brain, I had an epiphany.  I had bought into the system.  I had bought into......the world.  See, the world is broken and fallen by it's very nature.  It is filled with sin, and ruled by darkness.  This is a fact.  Our job as Christians is to shed light on the darkness and stay the course plotted by our beautiful and incomparable Savior, Jesus.  I thought my life was mine to do with as I pleased[within reason of course]and to be enjoyed as long as I loved the Lord.  I was taught and bought ideas like:

*life is what you make it
*all things are possible
*anything I want can be attained
*reach for your dreams
*be a man
*provide provide provide for your family
*make as much money as you can no matter how much time and effort it takes
*the early bird catches the worm

I had trained and retrained my brain to work, seek, figure out, search, and chase after the world's view of what is successful.  I believe this is a mind frame that most modern men share, because we are lead to live this way by society and culture.  Here is the problem - all of the things listed above put the power of your life, your accomplishments, and your future in YOUR hands.  I suddenly realized I have not been letting God be God.  He created me[and you]for companionship.......we were breathed to life out of His sheer passion and love.  He created us to need Him.  All he asks in return, is that we love Him back and look to Him in all things as our Father.  He wants intimacy.  

I have come to realize much in a short week and could go on and on and on, but the crux of all of this is that He designed me[and you!]with a purpose and a plan in mind.  HE already has my life and my future in His hands, with a wonderful and prosperous outcome[He promises and guarantee's it!].  All I need to do, is GIVE HIM BACK THE LIFE HE GAVE ME.  Instead of pushing MY agenda and plans and schemes, I need to bury my stupid suffering selfishness and get on my knees in prayer.  I need to recommit my love for Him, my reliance on Him, and my belief in His promise to me.  Since discovering what I frankly should have already known[thank God I've discovered it now...], I have for the first time in my whole entire life found a peace within.  I know now that my plans for myself may never come to fruition, and that is okay.  I don't need to chase the wind any longer, and I don't need to work myself to the bone grinding my life into the ground - I need to find a quiet place.  I need to get on my knees.  I need to thank God for His Son, and the breath I breath, and my beautiful family, and the love in my heart, and the incredible creations he has bestowed upon the earth for my human eyes to  fall upon while I am here.  Then, I need to ask HIM what to do today.  I need to lean on Him expectantly.  I need to get real, and give up my control.  I need to give it ALL to Him if we are gonna really do this........I need to live for HIM.  That was the whole reason for my existence in the first place........to live to glorify Him.  If I accomplish much of own accord and by the sweat of my brow, who will I say has done these great things?  Me.  However, if I allow myself to be a humble servant of the Almighty God who can do far greater things than I could EVER fathom, then who's name shall I shout from the mountain tops when miracles are seen and performed?  Abba Father.  From this day forth, I will learn to become what I never quite understood.....a living sacrifice.  Eternity with Jesus is my new goal.  God's favor is my new drive.  Casting out the world's view of who am I and who I should be to make room for the Holy Spirit to live and work though and in me is my new purpose.  I don't want the glory of this world any more......I don't deserve it.  I want all the world to know the love and power in store for all of us in the mighty and strong name of Jesus Christ.  This is a brand new year, and He is mercifully rebuilding me from the ground up.........I don't have a new year's resolution, I have a new year's revelation.

The Birth

I just experienced the birth of my wife and I's first child.  WOW.  WOW.  Incredible.  I could go on and on and on about our journey and feelings, and perhaps I will at another time, but right now.....this morning.....all I could think about was Jesus.  See, His Mom and Dad Mary and Joseph were a pretty revolutionary young couple......she was young, and a virgin.  Of course, nobody would believe that, but true it was.  I can't imagine the things Mary went through psychologically and physically.......number one, the nature of the conception, but then to be traveling in your third trimester....and we're not talking about the comfort of a Toyota 4-Runner here.....we're talking belly-out-to-here-gotta-use-the-bathroom-every-five-minutes-hot flashes-long-and-hard-enough-for-Joseph-to-wanna-run-away and likely thrown up on the back of a donkey for at least a week.  Also, remember, it wasn't exactly like it looks on Christmas cards.....we don't know the exact time of year Christ was born, but we DO know the shepherds were out watching flocks, which indicates summertime.  That means nice and cold at night, but dry, dusty, and HOT during the day.  It wasn't Bing Crosby and hot cocoa by the mantle place for sure.  When they finally reach Bethlehem, they can't find a single solitary place to stay.  Nowhere.  Mary is flippin' out and ready to do this thing, and they can't find a place to comfort her......finally, they break down and have to camp out in a stable.  Like an animal.  THIS was the situation which the Savior of the world was born into.  There were no nurses, no round-the-clock attention, no pain medications, no comfort at all.  Jesus himself was lain into a MANGER for crying out loud.  All of this got me to thinking about myself and my perspectives on life.  Just who exactly do I think I am, again?  God himself showed up in beautiful humility to show us a better way to be.  He said through words deed and action[and I paraphrase]"I do NOT need treasures of the Earth, though the Earth was beautifully built to be enjoyed, but instead crave, want, desire, and NEED treasures of ETERNAL salvation and of our almighty God".  Well, guess what?  That's what I'M in need of too.  It's easy to forget and to get swept up into the worldly way of being and thinking.  I spend much of my time chasing money and personal dreams and goals.  Is this all I am good for?  Is this what HE did?  The most powerful man to ever walk the Earth was never a man of means, but still always had enough to continue His purpose....God provides.  He never set out to be a rockstar and say "look what I can do!", even though he could have shook the very foundation of the universe with one swipe of His hand.  He instead taught LOVE.  Love for ourselves through the forgiveness of Christ's sacrifice, which leads to the desire and ability to healthfully love our fellow man, which leads to the ability to please our Father God, which ultimately leads to closer relationship and connection with Him.  Yet, I want more money.  Lol.......the longer I live, the dumber I seem sometimes.  I have all the treasures of the world right before me.....a family who loves me, gifts to enjoy, an incomparably wonderful wife, and now a family of our own.  It's all right here.......we just need to keep Jesus at the center of our focus, our purpose, our vision for our Earth days.......just gotta keep remembering that no one is gonna praise me for being an incredible guitar player when I get to Heaven.  However, if I hang on to the promise of my Lord, draw nearer to Him every day, continually make a sacrifice of my own life as my mentor and Savior Jesus did, well.....I just may get to hear the Creator of the Universe whisper in my ear "good job Son.......you've made me proud and I love you".  Can you imagine?!  That would be worth more than every dollar and fine jewel in existence.  Jesus - you deserved a better entrance into this world......we should have known better, and afforded you the reception we now know you should have had.  However, I know when you come back, and it WILL be soon, that you are coming back in grand style with an explosion of wonder not yet seen by the eyes of man.  I wait impatiently, humbled by who You are.

Presence of Mind = Presents Of Mine!

Today, I'm praying for clarity....for peace.....for a thankful heart full of gratitude and awareness in my life. Not just an awareness, but a presence of mind to truly EXPERIENCE the blessings in my life. A consciousness of my surroundings, actions, words, deeds, the wind, the sunshine, the swirl of music, the soft encouragement of a friend....the smile on the face of the store-keeper given freely, the squeals of delight from the mouths of children, the fragrance of fresh flowers showing off in my own back yard. The ability to just stop and APPRECIATE all I've been given. The power to stop always looking ahead.....always waiting for the next thing.....always setting up tomorrows profit......the power to live in THIS moment and enjoy the thoughts on my mind and feelings in my heart. The gift of undertstanding that "presence of mind" will lead me to and allow me to embrace all of these "presents of mine". Glory be to the Father, the giver of every good and perfect gift. 

MARRIAGE

What does marriage mean to me? It means you've found someone that you like SO much, that you want to spend the REST of your life taking on this world by that persons side. It means that out of the billions and billions of people on this planet and the multitude that may be compatible with me, I want YOU and ONLY you. It means I have stopped searching, stopped looking, stopped wondering......I have recognized you are the best I've ever seen, the sweetest I've known, the culmination of all of my desires and dreams. It means I've made a vow - I've made a vow because I am a grown up man with a grip on reality who understands that life can be hard. Really hard. There are certain to be tough times that test what you, I, and we are made of, but my vow and promise mean that regardless of how difficult challenges and trials become, no matter how strong the winds blow and try to knock us down, I will NEVER EVER EVER give up on this sacred union....this covenant. It means you are my backbone and my refuge, my strength and my comfort, my greatest gift and blessing. It means what God has joined together, NO man can separate. It means we are locked in and committed for life - not grudgingly, but trustfully.....beautifully. It means you can lay your head down and rest in peace knowing I will be here when you awaken for each and every day of your life until we awaken no more. And, upon arrival at the large pearly gates of heaven, it means my first question for God[after "what's with dinosaurs?!"] will be "Lord, I'm not sure exactly how it works up here yet, but if it is Your will and You could find a way, I want to remain married to Melissa for eternity".  Marriage is the best decision I've ever made, and the greatest achievement of my life.

S H E

Faith.  She's got it in spades.  Sure-fire, unadulterated, doubtless, unwavering FAITH.  She always has....since the day I met her.  A beautiful creation this one.....so kind in nature....a champion of the underdog......sensitive.....loving.......her own short-comings?  Sure.....of course.  She's not perfect.  But if she has anything, she has FAITH.  The kind that makes God proud and pleased, and it's why He set her aside as one of his own......one of his prized ideas, I'm sure......fruitful in nature, and in spirit.  A true treasure, and a refuge in the darkness for me.  An inspiration.  My motivation.  My muse.  My desire, my perpetual challenge.....the iron that sharpens mine.  Strong and honest.  Beautiful to behold.....velvet to the touch......a rushing of blood and pounding of heart in the depths of night.......a softness and fire in the truth of her eyes.  More than everything, the most I've known.....the only my own heart will ever call it's own.  She has held all titles of worth in my lifetime.....friend, fiance, and finally wife.  This is the woman my child shall call "Mother", and the reason this child will be the most blessed human ever to have been conceived.

LAWN WARS. May my neighbor never find and read this.

Lawn wars.  Lets not pretend like they don't exist.  In my neighborhood[or perhaps just my mind], it's ON.  Spring is here, and my grass has been waiting patiently to dole out a never ending supply of work intended for me and only me.  It knows I am obsessed with certain things[like saving money], and it knows that I have an unfounded fear that no one else will ever do as good a job as I can manicuring my piece of American paradise.  The problem is the neighbor across the street feels the same way.  For the purposes of this blog/rant we will call this neighbor......Cliff.  Cliff is in his late 40s, and his yard is always........perfect.  It has irritated me since the day my bride and I called this house our home.  Green, lush, perfect mow lines.....hedging....trees.....all of it, perfect.  He also talks a perpetual blue streak with such a quick and crowded eloquence that I actually avoid the guy even though he is ridiculously nice[this also annoys me].  Now, as I said, "Cliff" is in his late-40's and lives alone.  He owns two bright WHITE cars - one Toyota Tundra truck, and one white Lexus, both with gold trim.  They are both forever spotless.  He likes to park them side-by-side in his driveway just to let you know they are free from all blemishes, smudges, or scratches that seem to afflict the rest of the population's vehicles.  My mind has oft wandered and wondered about this man who's castle is his own, with no queen to rule the land.......now, I'm not saying he is homosexual nor do I care.  Just because a man irons his bright blue, pink, and yellow patterned shorts and stares at me a little too hard for a little too long does not necessarily mean he is gay.  He is of asian descent[so if he WERE gay, would this make him Gaysian?!  Just wondering.....]with a receding hairline and a wide smile.  Well, friends - THIS IS MY SUMMER.  I find it funny that WE, right across the street, own two BLACK cars.  Kinda like the good cowboy and the bad cowboy of the wild, wild grass.  It has consumed two summers to really get this lawn where I want it, but now everything is juuuuust right.  Our grass has already come in nice and thick and green - all the trees, plants, flowers, and hedges have recently been tended to and trimmed into a virtual Eden, and I just completed the first[and arguably most beautifully executed by the hands of man]mowing of the season.  In short, the SIMS Golf Resort is open for business.  I'd like to give credit where credit is due however, and mention that, in all fairness, I have a secret weapon fertilizer that Cliff does NOT possess.  Her name is Kinley, and she is an oversized female Doberman that owns my heart.  She also owns the backyard, where she has blessed our home with more poop than a Port-A-Potty at a Chili festival.  That's another issue - Kinley's all natural offerings.  While they make our lawn a sight to behold in shades of dense emerald, they are not always picked up on time[love you baby!]and so I encounter them while in the heat of battle through sweat-soaked eyes[man, yesterday's hairspray STINGS!!]with engines roaring and no way I'm going to stop.  This leaves only one option - running  them over.  It's a poor mans mulch.  The terrible part, is that running over week-old excrement that has been aged and dried as a fine wine or butcher-shop beef jerky, leaves a cloud.  A poop cloud.  A poop cloud that I am smart enough to know probably in one way or another finds a sneaky way into the air I breathe.  Ah well.....the beauty of pet ownership.  ANYWAYS, now I know this is gonna be a long and likely hot summer, but I am also aware that life is a marathon - not a sprint.  I am digging in for the long haul, and will settle for no less than victory in this most crucial of summer events - LAWN WARS.  Bring it Cliff.