Desires Of The Heart

I am in the midst of reading a book authored by John Eldridge entitled "Desire".  I had read another book of Mr. Eldridge's["Wild At Heart"]when my wife Melissa had turned me onto it and told me it was great.  It was great.  When I saw this book sitting on the shelf at Barnes and Noble, it called out to me.  I didn't know at the time who had written it, but the title grabbed me and said "you know something about this don't you?" "maybe there are some answers in here".  Maybe there are, it's too soon to say.  However, within the book this morning I ran into this quote by C.S. Lewis that says

"I knew only too well how easily the longing accepts false objects and through what dark ways the pursuit of them leads us.  But I also saw that the Desire itself contains the corrective of all these errors.  The only fatal error was to pretend you had passed from desire to fruition, when, in reality, you had found either nothing, or desire itself, or the satisfaction of some different desire.  The dialectic of Desire, faithfully followed, would retrieve all mistakes, head you off from all false paths, and force you to live through...a sort of [experiential] proof".

I'm still processing a bit, and am as of yet unsure as to why this hit me so hard, but strike me smartly it did indeed.  You see, I am straining to learn the ever-so-delicate balance of doing what you know you should and need to do, and doing what the wildness of your heart compels you to.  I know that God understands desire very, very well.  In fact, it was He who programmed it into us, that we might understand something greater than mere existence and/or survival.  And yet, most of us see our desire[s] as more of an enemy that doesn't fit into the requirements of our day-to-day life.  When you are young, it is a motivator.  As we age, somehow it becomes an unrealistic[and oftentimes heartbreaking]irritation.  I know I struggle with my own.  I have had a deep-down dream as long as I can remember, that I have only recently come to understand for the selfish and unreasonable thing that it is.  Somehow, the true desire that God Himself had planted inside of me, got twisted and became something else altogether.  C.S. Lewis' words resonate profoundly with me, as I know he was correct.  God grants us all abilities and talents and gifts that we may build up the kingdom of heaven for His glory, and for his satisfaction.  Somewhere along the way, most of us start buying the concept that we should use all we have for a personal payoff.  You know.......God's most beautiful angel, Lucifer, thought the same thing.  Things didn't turn out so well for him[at least, they won't by the end].  Now, I am starting to understand that the desire within us is not something to be avoided or scared of, but to be genuinely enjoyed in it's purity and as the gift it truly is.  Our desires are not evil, but rather, choices we make as a result of our desires sometimes are.  The trick here, I guess, is to be able to differentiate between the two.  The easiest way I see to do that, is to ask yourself "who does this benefit?  Me or God?".  If the answer is God, you're gonna win everytime.

(Psalms 37:4-6) Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass.  He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday.

Blown Away.

Earlier this afternoon, I was reminded of exactly why I fell in love with and ultimately married my wife.  Not that I needed a reminder, mind you, but I found myself mindful of her greatest attribute nonetheless.  It is her heart.  Her heart, is incredible.  Today, I watched her carefully cut her client's hair into a much shorter style, and not because her client was ready for a change or because she wanted to spice up her look for her husband.  It was because she has cancer.  She is going through chemotherapy, and her hair is falling out.  In clumps.  I watched Melissa tenderly comb through the thin, matted mess of what used to be full and healthy hair and also watched it fall in chunks to the floor as she did so.  I stood close by, mostly just as moral support for the client whom I've come to know just over the last few months[and who is an absolute sweetheart with a gentle soul], and to keep the spirits up with jokes and stock comments like "the important thing to remember is that it's just hair, and that it will grow back".  Internally, I was thinking how hard this must be for her and what a shock to the system it would be if it were me in that chair, much less a woman.  Melissa did the necessary work, while helping and allowing the woman to maintain her dignity and pride.  I saw her[Melissa]blinking back her own tears at times, and knew how terrible she was feeling inside.  Melissa has such a wonderful way with people.  She impresses and moves me.  She makes me want to draw nearer to her, so that I may learn to be more giving of myself.  She is a true inspiration to me, as well as most who know her.  The way she lifted this fragile woman up today, and brought such a calm strength to the table, just really struck me.  Melissa is a hair stylist, but is so much more than that really.  I have a distinct feeling, that most of the people who come to her come for what they get out of the time spent with her, even though a haircut or color is also thrown in as part of the deal.  She is an amazing woman, with an incredible heart that must make our Jesus smile.  I can honestly say, that I took a step back today and remembered why I fell so deeply in love with her in the first place.  One of the byproducts of falling by the way, is that you are left to look up.  I can tell you assuredly that this afternoon, my wife gave me a reason to look up to and respect her for who she is, what she does, and the way she loves.  I thank God everyday for this incredible partner in life who not only meets all of my needs and desires, but who truly blows me away.